March 8, 2011
Today is that most hallowed of holidays, International Women’s Day, and I, woman, rose with the sun hyper-aware of each minute flaw and filled with an orgiastic desire common to all womenfolk: the desire to be skinnier. After listening to “Someday You Will Be Loved” by Death Cab for Cutie and watching myself cry in the mirror (you know, the usual morning routine) I had the craziest thought: What if there was a magic serum that I could inject into my skin that would make me beautiful? With this injection, I could leave my endless worries behind with those countless hours spent on the treadmill running to nowhere.  I could lose fat in all of my problem areas (read: belly, back of neck, arch of left foot) without actually doing anything. See you later, adipocytic danger zones! I dismissed this thought as pure hogswallop and made my way to work, all the while silently comparing myself to every other woman I encountered on my commute. Only upon opening our dear New York Times at work was I greeted with an International Women’s Day MIRACLE: that very magic serum of my girlish daydreams exists.  I had foolishly been trying to increase my self worth Facebook photo album by Facebook photo album, when I could just be increasing it shot by shot of baby-making potion. “…unlike other popular diet supplements, hCG, which is derived from the urine of pregnant women, has acquired an aura of respectability because the injections are available only by prescription.” An aura of respectability, you say?  Aside from the injections, you only have to limit your daily caloric intake to 500 kilocalories calories kilocalories calories.  How can this wunderdrug possibly work? As the Doctor told one patient: “Dr. Blyer looked uneasy. ‘Your legs are thin, your face is thin,’ he told her. ‘You’re a very attractive woman.’ But he reassured her that she would lose weight where she wanted to, in her stomach. The hCG, Dr. Blyer said, ‘tricks your body into a state of pregnancy; it burns off fat so the fetus can get enough calories, but it protects muscle.’” So, you inject pee into your body to conceive a ghost baby who then prevents you from feeling hunger or pain until you are beautiful and svelte?  Where do I sign up? EMH

Today is that most hallowed of holidays, International Women’s Day, and I, woman, rose with the sun hyper-aware of each minute flaw and filled with an orgiastic desire common to all womenfolk: the desire to be skinnier. After listening to “Someday You Will Be Loved” by Death Cab for Cutie and watching myself cry in the mirror (you know, the usual morning routine) I had the craziest thought: What if there was a magic serum that I could inject into my skin that would make me beautiful? With this injection, I could leave my endless worries behind with those countless hours spent on the treadmill running to nowhere.  I could lose fat in all of my problem areas (read: belly, back of neck, arch of left foot) without actually doing anything. See you later, adipocytic danger zones! I dismissed this thought as pure hogswallop and made my way to work, all the while silently comparing myself to every other woman I encountered on my commute.

Only upon opening our dear New York Times at work was I greeted with an International Women’s Day MIRACLE: that very magic serum of my girlish daydreams exists.  I had foolishly been trying to increase my self worth Facebook photo album by Facebook photo album, when I could just be increasing it shot by shot of baby-making potion.

“…unlike other popular diet supplements, hCG, which is derived from the urine of pregnant women, has acquired an aura of respectability because the injections are available only by prescription.”

An aura of respectability, you say?  Aside from the injections, you only have to limit your daily caloric intake to 500 kilocalories calories kilocalories calories.  How can this wunderdrug possibly work? As the Doctor told one patient:

“Dr. Blyer looked uneasy. ‘Your legs are thin, your face is thin,’ he told her. ‘You’re a very attractive woman.’ But he reassured her that she would lose weight where she wanted to, in her stomach. The hCG, Dr. Blyer said, ‘tricks your body into a state of pregnancy; it burns off fat so the fetus can get enough calories, but it protects muscle.’”

So, you inject pee into your body to conceive a ghost baby who then prevents you from feeling hunger or pain until you are beautiful and svelte?  Where do I sign up?

EMH

11:33am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZeVwMy3TzTL2
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Filed under: international women's day new york times hcg injecting pretty 
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